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~TRIGGER WARNING~
I've been in the hospital many times for mental health concerns. I plan to not go again. I have been diagnosed with quite a few illnesses as well. Depression, Anxiety, Dissociating, Psychosis, PTSD, and different mood disorders. I am struggling with all of these things, and life is hard. Not a lot of people even knew Ive been diagnosed with all these things.
When I was in grade 6, me and my dad got in a huge fight. Our relationship was never the greatest, and this made it worse. He finally decided he had enough of me. He took me to the truro police and said he didnt want me anymore. After that I was in shock, for weeks I wouldnt eat or sleep, and thats when I started cutting. I would cut anywhere on my body, anywhere. And nobody even started to notice until grade 7. All through middle school and junior high, I was being severely bullied, daily. It got to the point where in grade 8, I was ready to end my life. Things were going bad then. I was really depressed, and cutting every day. but then in grade 9, I stopped cutting. That was when the anxiety started. I would have panic attacks, and I couldnt breathe. nearing the end of grade 9 I started cutting again. Grade 10 was a different story. This was when I started to notice I was hearing things, and seeing things that weren't really there. I was at the lowest then. I ended up in 4South. I was there for a week, and I guess I didnt want the help, because it didnt help me at all. I went the rest of my grade 10 school year suffering.
Grade 11.. This year has been the lowest ive ever been. Ive tried to kill myself 4 times, and Ive ended up in the hospital each time. In february, I was admitted to 4South again. I was there for 10 days. It helped a bit. but then things slipped again. This past April, I was admitted once again to 4South, for 4 weeks. I had cut while I was there, and needed 10 stitches, but i guess that made me want to stop cutting. This time, being there helped. They finally diagnosed me with the things I have now, and Im on new medications. Its been 4 and a half weeks since ive been in out of the hospital, and things are okay. I am 1 week clean today, but before that I was 35 days cut free. Im going to try to work for longer without cutting.
I want to stop. believe me, I want to with every fiber in my body, but I just cant. I dissociate, black out and cut. without knowing. I just come back to reality, and theyre there. all over my body. I hate it, and Its something the doctors told me I have some control over. But I havent figured out how to stop it yet. I have scars all over my body, on my arms, upper arms, thighs, calves, hands, and chest. Im not ashamed of my scars. But I would like to eventually have tattoos covering them. The tattoos I have now, are reminders, the one on my left arm, says Strength. Its to remind me to stay strong, and that Ive got through all this shit so far, and I can make it even farther. They are there, because I wont ever cut over a piece of art like that. Its giving me the will to stop cutting purposefully.
Thanks for taking time to read this if you even read the whole thing. Im sorry Its so long, I dont do well with short explanations. This picture is my arms as of today. It may not seem like theres many, but alot of them didnt show up on camera..
I've been in the hospital many times for mental health concerns. I plan to not go again. I have been diagnosed with quite a few illnesses as well. Depression, Anxiety, Dissociating, Psychosis, PTSD, and different mood disorders. I am struggling with all of these things, and life is hard. Not a lot of people even knew Ive been diagnosed with all these things.
When I was in grade 6, me and my dad got in a huge fight. Our relationship was never the greatest, and this made it worse. He finally decided he had enough of me. He took me to the truro police and said he didnt want me anymore. After that I was in shock, for weeks I wouldnt eat or sleep, and thats when I started cutting. I would cut anywhere on my body, anywhere. And nobody even started to notice until grade 7. All through middle school and junior high, I was being severely bullied, daily. It got to the point where in grade 8, I was ready to end my life. Things were going bad then. I was really depressed, and cutting every day. but then in grade 9, I stopped cutting. That was when the anxiety started. I would have panic attacks, and I couldnt breathe. nearing the end of grade 9 I started cutting again. Grade 10 was a different story. This was when I started to notice I was hearing things, and seeing things that weren't really there. I was at the lowest then. I ended up in 4South. I was there for a week, and I guess I didnt want the help, because it didnt help me at all. I went the rest of my grade 10 school year suffering.
Grade 11.. This year has been the lowest ive ever been. Ive tried to kill myself 4 times, and Ive ended up in the hospital each time. In february, I was admitted to 4South again. I was there for 10 days. It helped a bit. but then things slipped again. This past April, I was admitted once again to 4South, for 4 weeks. I had cut while I was there, and needed 10 stitches, but i guess that made me want to stop cutting. This time, being there helped. They finally diagnosed me with the things I have now, and Im on new medications. Its been 4 and a half weeks since ive been in out of the hospital, and things are okay. I am 1 week clean today, but before that I was 35 days cut free. Im going to try to work for longer without cutting.
I want to stop. believe me, I want to with every fiber in my body, but I just cant. I dissociate, black out and cut. without knowing. I just come back to reality, and theyre there. all over my body. I hate it, and Its something the doctors told me I have some control over. But I havent figured out how to stop it yet. I have scars all over my body, on my arms, upper arms, thighs, calves, hands, and chest. Im not ashamed of my scars. But I would like to eventually have tattoos covering them. The tattoos I have now, are reminders, the one on my left arm, says Strength. Its to remind me to stay strong, and that Ive got through all this shit so far, and I can make it even farther. They are there, because I wont ever cut over a piece of art like that. Its giving me the will to stop cutting purposefully.
Thanks for taking time to read this if you even read the whole thing. Im sorry Its so long, I dont do well with short explanations. This picture is my arms as of today. It may not seem like theres many, but alot of them didnt show up on camera..
Image size
3072x2304px 1.15 MB
Make
FUJIFILM
Model
FinePix S4200
Shutter Speed
1/52 second
Aperture
F/3.4
Focal Length
5 mm
ISO Speed
800
Date Taken
May 27, 2014, 3:05:51 PM
Sensor Size
6mm
Mature
Comments7
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I have heard from two friends of mine that mental hospitals have in no way helped them. And in one case, my friend came back worse than when she went in. It had to do with the conditions of the hospital itself, and just the very dank and depressing nature of the room she was in.